My Heart Hurts.

Sometimes I feel like I am totally emotionally constipated. I feel like the last year I have focused on being strong, not losing it, and generally keeping it together. I found myself telling Christian today to "stop crying, it doesn't help." Has that become my new mantra? I used to cry at everything, which is so ironic because I have shed so few tears over the death of my own Dad. I am pretty sure that my brain is protecting me so that I don't have a complete breakdown- it just hasn't hit me yet. All I know is that if this were any other situation, I would want to be with my Dad. He was such a good comforter. I have spent many hours snuggled with him on the couch just holding his hand. I miss our simple relationship and how we could just sit in a room quietly together and not have to talk. I miss his unwavering example of the person I should try to be. I just feel so lost. WHat do you do when the one person you need to comfort you is the one who you are mourning over. Maybe he is here now and I just don't know it. I hope so. I miss you Daddy.